Price of Being Aware
by Cyrus Lowe-Monterrey
Summary: Night, pond, garden, Kaoru. Depression drabble. PostJinchuu time. Very slight spoilers if you squint, a couple of month after Sanosuke and Megumi left.


**Disclaimer: **Rurouni Kenshin and subsequent characters belongs to Nobuhiro Watsuki, Jump Comics, and Fuji TV.

**Notes:** A drabble, I'm currently depressed

**Timeline:** PostJinchuu, a couple of months after Megumi and Sanosuke leave

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**Price of Being Aware**

The pebble plopped into the pond with a light splash. A cricket chirped somewhere in the garden. The house was dark, and she could hear Yahiko's slight snore. Pensively, she bent toward the water, trailing fingers over the surface and interrupting the ripples from the pebble she had thrown into it. Kenshin was knocked out cold, as she had made sure he was.

To think he tries to do chores in his condition. If Megumi was here, she would have exploded. Kaoru knew that Kenshin wanted to keep busy--the past don't rear its ugly had so often or clearly when he was otherwise occupied--but it was ridiculous to try to do chores one-handed. She wondered absently what he had gone off and done to get his arm broken like that. Chase criminals? Save innocents? Trying to put out a couple of rebellions?

Kaoru sighed, her level of irritation rising slightly before falling back down. She really didn't have any energy to be angry tonight--surprise surprise, Yahiko would've dropped his jaw and made a crater. Sniggering slightly at the mental image, she looked back down to stare at her slightly wavering reflection on the calming water.

Despite her coy boasting of her own attributes, Kaoru was aware that she was not a beautiful woman--not even pretty--just a little bit on the cute side. Nor could she delude herself to think that she was anywhere near desirable. That was why it did surprise her to hear what Megumi and Sano both had to say. Kenshin had been crushed when he thought he had failed to protect her, but failure to protect and the loss of love could both be the same or completely different things.

Why would Kenshin want a girl like her when he could have his pick out of the best? Even that Shura woman, despite being a pirate, was a more beautiful, stronger person than she was, or ever would be. If it was innocence, then perhaps she should come clean and inform him that he really was barking up the wrong tree. She might act like an uneducated, naive, tomboyish country girl.

But for a long time she hadn't been a child. Pretty dream, Kenshin had called her family _budo_. And what if it was? Everyone needs something to believe in, and Kaoru had nothing else beyond cold facts and her father's teaching.

Love can make a person stronger, kinder, or gentler. She heard all of that, love was supposed to be beautiful, wonderful, and maybe a little painful. Unrequited loves that drove normally sane, healthy people to their graves.

What everyone forgot to say was that love also makes a person do terrible things. People were apt to forget that love can be terrible; Kaoru could never manage to forget it--Enishi was such a perfect example. It made her afraid, she could honestly say to the garden, empty besides herself and a few crickets, the way she feels. Different levels of love for Kenshin, Yahiko, Sano and Megumi, all intense in their own way.

In the end, it'd tear her apart and she would have no defence.

Sighing, she straightened and let her fingers dip slightly into the pond. She rarely allowed herself to be melancholy, being aware of the danger it could bring.

The one thing she could be proud of didn't seem to matter to any of them. Kaoru smiled bitterly--Assistant Master, not even a Master yet... But it was an achievement she was proud of, and for quite a while, losing her father, it was all she lived for. But nobody respected her for it.

It hurt. But for a long time she had learned to grit her teeth and live with it. What does it say when the only ones that matter don't think much about you? How pathetic.

Dreams rarely, if ever, come true. She wasn't so naive to believe it did, and most certainly she never thought that hers would ever come to fruition.

Why, then did she plead with Kenshin that she wanted to be with him forever?

Kaoru knew that despite her fears, she had hoped--love _did_ make people stupid, after all--and hoped despite hope. It was foolish of her to hope; she knew she wasn't enough, never would be enough. In the end, he would leave her--and she would one day fade into nothing more than a shadow in his memory; she and whatever they could have been or could be. She knew, and had always been aware. She just never thought she was that much of a masochist, to keep on hoping when he was already starting to leave her behind.

She wanted to be important enough to him that he would stay; she would fail, but there were some things in life that one either does or regret forever. Kaoru was determined to not regret this--she would not lose by inaction.

In the end, Kenshin never loved her more than he loved his guilt and his idea of penance.

Never had, never would.

Tomorrow, she would smile, and laugh. She would fight with Yahiko and continue to stare adoringly at her redheaded Rurouni, and daydream about happy marriage and blissful life, children and grandchildren underfoot when she was old and grey. Tonight, she allowed herself to be aware, and pay the price with a little slice of her sanity.

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A/n: No, it's not new, just beta-ed. (Bows to Kaiba-chan--A thousand gratitude for agreeing to walk this over)

Sunken Treasures is going to be a couple months yet—I'm going overseas where there's no internet connection.


End file.
